I’m glad I followed the instructions on my training program to take a rest day yesterday because I did feel great on my run this morning. I did a 2.36 mile run today followed by a 2.50 walk and all in all, it felt pretty good.
I’m starting to go faster and it’s kind of surprising me. My Runkeeper logged me at 13:35 average pace per mile, but that was with adding in the 3 minutes walking to warm up, 3 to cool down and a walk break (quick walking) for 1 minute after every 3 of running.I don’t want to do the math to find out what pace I truly ran at, because I’m a little scared to, but I know it was really good for me!
I’m making the effort not to look at my pace while running because I don’t want it to interfere with the run. If it’s fast, I get nervous. If it’s slow, I feel bad about the running. So I’m not looking at my pace while running and haven’t for a few weeks. I think that in large part, that’s why I’m getting faster. My mind isn’t holding me back. I’m trying to let it happen organically, if you will.
I’m in love with the training program I’m using: Revolver’s Run Coach (The 50K Pro program). Basically it has me running 3 days a week and doing cross training for 1 hour, one day a week. It even helpfully suggest what I might do: yoga, Pilates, strength training, cycling, elliptical, circuit training.
When I’m done for the day I get to check “completed” and it greys out that day so I feel all accomplished and everything. What I like best about it though is that it alternates the weeks. One week it has you do 3 days running plus one day of cross training and the next week, four days of running and NO cross training. I like that so much because it’s not boring. It keeps me interested and it’s sort of fun to look forward to what I might want to do on that one day of cross training.
Plus, more important probably, is that it pushes you to run 4 days a week but then backs off and gives you a break the next week. So you can wake up some weeks and say, “Oh, this is my EASY week.” Even if you have a 12 mile long run scheduled for that week, it’s still your “easy” week because you only run for three days. That works well for my mind.
I joined My Fitness Pal at the suggestion of my friend Renee at Run-Laugh-Eat Pie and I think I’m going to really like it. I’m using it instead of Loseit! for awhile to see if it’s going to work for me. So far, so good. If you want to check it out or join me there, here’s my link.
I’ve entered my goal there as 20 pounds, to bring me down to 169. I guess that’s a good final goal. I don’t know, but I think it is. It’s within the range of where I’m “supposed” to be anyway. It seems like I always have to switch to a new gadget each time I’m jumping on losing another 10 pounds. I guess I get bored easily. Guess. Ha. That was a grand understatement.
Lately I’ve been thinking I’m fat. I hesitate to say that because then everyone will think I hate myself or I’m all obsessive or whatever. But really, what I mean is that lately, I keep thinking I’m pretty big and I’m wondering if that’s a mental shift that means I’m ready to go ahead and let go of these last pounds. I usually can’t mentally grasp how I can get into my size 10’s every morning, because surely, my body is way too big for them, right? But no, they’re actually loose.
Where this came from, I don’t even know because lately I haven’t even given my body much thought at all. And maybe, that’s where it comes from. I just feel “normal” now. I don’t physically feel anything but normal and average but when I look at myself in the mirror, I’m starting to see that oh, I do still have some to lose. I’m almost looking at myself without any emotion, if that makes sense. I’m just noticing, without judgement.
You think, no, she is judging herself if she’s feeling fat. But that’s where I’m unclear. I think that the mental shift is that now I’m no longer satisfied with just being “OK” at where I am because it’s “pretty good”. I also don’t have a desire to perfect myself in any way or to look prettier or to actually BE slimmer. I think that at the core of it I just feel like, heck, I need to just be the size my body was meant to be. It doesn’t scare me or excite me anymore. It just is what it is. So I THINK that when I’m looking in the mirror and I see I still have unhealthy belly fat, I’m just thinking, hey girl, do something about it.
And further, I think, it’s not about the pounds or the weight I’m at, I just know that I’m not yet at that place that somehow I feel is the right place for me. And I guess this189 pounds isn’t it. Sometimes I think that I just don’t have any emotion attached to the weight loss anymore because I’m just so tired of it or so beaten down by it. But honestly, I don’t feel that way, at least not now. I always, always, freak out when I hit a “9” number and of course, it happened again at 189. I think that maybe it takes me about 4 weeks to accept it, to stop being afraid of it, to realize I’m not going to waste away to nothing and then to move past the emotion to that point where I start to think, dispassionately, oh yeah, I guess I AM still fat. Stupid charts.
Sometimes I think that weight loss is not unlike those stages of grief you move through when you face bad news. You know:
Denial and Isolation
I’m not trying to be flippant about it, I’m serious. Anyone who’s lost a large amount of weight can tell you that the emotional part is just incredibly hard. I often feel like I’m going through those stages, every time I hit a “9” mark on the scale and I CANNOT go forward until I reach that stage of acceptance.
Weirdly, part of it is the “loss” of YOU when you lose weight. Who are you? Are you still the same person now after another 10 pound loss? Will you change who YOU are if you lose another 10? That’s terrifying. Can you do it? Do you even want to?
At least those are the thoughts that move through my head. Maybe you aren’t as odd.
For me, I’m starting to think that maybe the “feeling and thinking that I’m fat” thing is a sort of signal to my brain that I’m beginning to get that I’m not yet done with the weight loss. That it’s time to move on into more unknown territory. That may be it. I think that’s it. What I do know though, is that nothing at ALL will make me move down the scale again until I can get to that stage of complete acceptance of who I am at this stage, at this weight, as this person. Until I can mentally be assured that I am still the same me that I’ve always been, just a new and improved me, I can’t lose another ounce. Just my random thought of the day.