Not a great day for me. Tears are involved.
I seriously forget that I have MS, or rather I want to forget, and since I’ve felt so great for months, it’s easy to imagine that I’m not going to have to deal with it again.
But, the fatigue has been crashing down all week long, which is all my own fault and I know that. I just refuse to give in to MS, which on one hand is a marvelous way to live because I FIRMLY believe that what you focus on grows bigger, and I’m never, ever going to be one of those people who allow themselves to be defined by their problems. On the other hand, it’s kick-in-the-head-stupid to push myself so hard.
I ran or walked 41 miles total this week. That is awe-inducing to me. I also took a hard 90 minute yoga class. Those things are great for someone who doesn’t have two auto-immune STUPID diseases. Hence, the tears. Sigh.
I’m just flat-out never unhappy, except when I’m sliding down that MS slope and I suddenly can’t control the tears. Inflammation pushed my weight up by 4 pounds, overnight, and I KNOW what that means, but still, I wanted to walk today. However, I was almost too tired to climb out of the truck after church, so instead, I sat on the porch and read and drank my (non-COFFEE) hot tea and read half the day away, then climbed into bed. Which is so freakin’ lame.
Sensing that something was up this week, but too dumb to acquiesce to the truth, I did a lot of journaling to see if I could work things out. Sometimes life isn’t fair and there’s nothing you can do about that. I know I need to make changes and move forward. For Pete’s sake, last year, a 20 minute walk would have put me in bed for 24 hours, and it took about 41 miles + to bring me down now. That’s huge progress!
However. I need to make some changes and it’s making me really weepy. And mad. Going against the energy-bunny-core-of-my-spirit is so very hard for me. It feels wrong. Maybe I just need to cry about it in order to accept what IS and move on. Check. I’m all over the crying part.
I’ve been thinking of doing some bicycling to get outdoors where I love, love, love to be and cutting way back on walking and running. I think it would be a lot less effort and yet I’d still get the wonderfulness of being outside. I asked my friend, Renee, of “Low Fat Pie” for some tips on getting started because she bikes all over her little Netherlands village thingy. She told me to start out with about 4 easy miles, and that after 3-4 rides, my butt wouldn’t hurt so much. So I’m going to give it a go tomorrow.
I’ve simply feel I cannot face not running every day. So I’m going to force myself, just for a one week experiment, to run only on Tuesday/Thursday(Meetup Group)/Saturday (Meetup Group). I’m committed to it. How bizarre that I’m almost doing the opposite of a training program, forcing myself to NOT run. And only 3 miles, no more.
I’m going to hop on my bike on the non-run days, and maybe take a 3 mile walk, just once. I’m desperately seeking the right balance of exercise. I know that this is hard for someone else to understand, but the gift of movement is, to me, the biggest blessing of all. I simply am blessed to have the ability to walk and run. Blessed hugely. Someday I might not be able to. So every day that I can’t get outside and take it all in, it kills me.
The yoga class I went to that I loved so much? I’m not sure I’m going to be able to take the class. At the end, I was starting to get really sick to my stomach and that is always a pre-cursor to an MS flare. It most likely started that night because I’ve been going downhill ever since then. One reason I like to do my own yoga practice is that I can limit the over-working. I can turn a fan on me as I do poses, I can take my time without someone asking me if I’m alright.
Sometimes it’s just really hard for me to admit that I have weaknesses. It’s very hard. Taking yoga instruction classes in order to teach? I’m pretty sure that’s not going to work, but I don’t want to think about that right now.
I’m in the process of seeing if I am going to be capable of “settling” for what I DO have. I can run, I can walk, I can bike, I have a lovely personal yoga practice, I can go hiking with my husband on the weekends and pretty much keep up if he slows down for me. I’m healthy and strong and I have a zillion friends who I love. I live where I want to live and I have a happy life.
Does anyone else out there relate in any way? I’ve not had much experience with “accepting” things as they are. My whole life I’ve been a control freak who’s used to powering through everything, against all odds, to do exactly what I want to do. I’m quite sure that not being able to do that is a blessing in itself, but it’s one I’m not sure how to cope with at the moment.
It’s been so divine to see my life change over this past year as I’ve lost so much weight. It’s sobering to really GET that no matter how I look, how I fit into clothes, I cannot make the problems go away. This, I think, is most definitely a part of what will be important in “maintenance”. Accepting. I’m just not quite sure about the whole process.