Sigh. Sob. Sigh.

Not a great day for me. Tears are involved.

I seriously forget that I have MS, or rather I want to forget, and since I’ve felt so great for months, it’s easy to imagine that I’m not going to have to deal with it again.

But, the fatigue has been crashing down all week long, which is all my own fault and I know that. I just refuse to give in to MS, which on one hand is a marvelous way to live because I FIRMLY believe that what you focus on grows bigger, and I’m never, ever going to be one of those people who allow themselves to be defined by their problems. On the other hand, it’s kick-in-the-head-stupid to push myself so hard.

I ran or walked 41 miles total this week. That is awe-inducing to me. I also took a hard 90 minute yoga class. Those things are great for someone who doesn’t have two auto-immune STUPID diseases. Hence, the tears. Sigh.

I’m just flat-out never unhappy, except when I’m sliding down that MS slope and I suddenly can’t control the tears. Inflammation pushed my weight up by 4 pounds, overnight, and I KNOW what that means, but still, I wanted to walk today. However, I was almost too tired to climb out of the truck after church, so instead, I sat on the porch and read and drank my (non-COFFEE) hot tea and read half the day away, then climbed into bed. Which is so freakin’ lame.

Sensing that something was up this week, but too dumb to acquiesce to the truth, I did a lot of journaling to see if I could work things out. Sometimes life isn’t fair and there’s nothing you can do about that. I know I need to make changes and move forward. For Pete’s sake, last year, a 20 minute walk would have put me in bed for 24 hours, and it took about 41 miles + to bring me down now. That’s huge progress!

However. I need to make some changes and it’s making me really weepy. And mad. Going against the energy-bunny-core-of-my-spirit is so very hard for me. It feels wrong. Maybe I just need to cry about it in order to accept what IS and move on. Check. I’m all over the crying part.

I’ve been thinking of doing some bicycling to get outdoors where I love, love, love to be and cutting way back on walking and running. I think it would be a lot less effort and yet I’d still get the wonderfulness of being outside. I asked my friend, Renee, of “Low Fat Pie” for some tips on getting started because she bikes all over her little Netherlands village thingy. She told me to start out with about 4 easy miles, and that after 3-4 rides, my butt wouldn’t hurt so much. So I’m going to give it a go tomorrow.

I’ve simply feel I cannot face not running every day. So I’m going to force myself, just for a one week experiment, to run only on Tuesday/Thursday(Meetup Group)/Saturday (Meetup Group). I’m committed to it. How bizarre that I’m almost doing the opposite of a training program, forcing myself to NOT run. And only 3 miles, no more.

I’m going to hop on my bike on the non-run days, and maybe take a 3 mile walk, just once. I’m desperately seeking the right balance of exercise. I know that this is hard for someone else to understand, but the gift of movement is, to me, the biggest blessing of all. I simply am blessed to have the ability to walk and run. Blessed hugely. Someday I might not be able to. So every day that I can’t get outside and take it all in, it kills me.

The yoga class I went to that I loved so much? I’m not sure I’m going to be able to take the class. At the end, I was starting to get really sick to my stomach and that is always a pre-cursor to an MS flare. It most likely started that night because I’ve been going downhill ever since then. One reason I like to do my own yoga practice is that I can limit the over-working. I can turn a fan on me as I do poses, I can take my time without someone asking me if I’m alright.

Sometimes it’s just really hard for me to admit that I have weaknesses. It’s very hard. Taking yoga instruction classes in order to teach? I’m pretty sure that’s not going to work, but I don’t want to think about that right now.

I’m in the process of seeing if I am going to be capable of “settling” for what I DO have. I can run, I can walk, I can bike, I have a lovely personal yoga practice, I can go hiking with my husband on the weekends and pretty much keep up if he slows down for me. I’m healthy and strong and I have a zillion friends who I love. I live where I want to live and I have a happy life.

Does anyone else out there relate in any way? I’ve not had much experience with “accepting” things as they are. My whole life I’ve been a control freak who’s used to powering through everything, against all odds, to do exactly what I want to do. I’m quite sure that not being able to do that is a blessing in itself, but it’s one I’m not sure how to cope with at the moment.

It’s been so divine to see my life change over this past year as I’ve lost so much weight. It’s sobering to really GET that no matter how I look, how I fit into clothes, I cannot make the problems go away. This, I think, is most definitely a part of what will be important in “maintenance”. Accepting. I’m just not quite sure about the whole process.


About Fit Living Daily

I love healthy living! I've been married for 35 years and have 2 grown children, one in Albuquerque, NM and one in Washington state. We are currently living in Washington for my husband's job---until he FINALLY retires, but our house is in Albuquerque.
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5 Responses to Sigh. Sob. Sigh.

  1. (((Hugs))) I know absolutely nothing about MS but from the little I know of you and what I’ve read here and in your emails, I’m wondering if maybe it was just the yoga that kinda did you in the last couple days. Maybe if you take it easy for a bit and then just do the running/walking/biking? I don’t know. I do know how happy you are about the running and I know that you felt good afterwards! The only complaint I’ve heard from you was after the yoga. Sigh. I wish I could help. I hope someone comes along with better (any) advice for you. Just know that I’m thinking about you šŸ™‚

    • Laura, thanks for the build-up yesterday. It helped a lot šŸ™‚ I agree, I need to roll things back and be sensible. I kind of “know” in the back of my mind how ridiculous something sounds when I’m writing it out, but for some reason, when I write it, only then can I see how truly silly I’m being. I guess that’s what I like about journaling so much.

  2. Oh {{{hugs}}}
    I wish I could give you a real hug. I am so sad to hear you are having a difficult time. I know you will not let your MS win, but perhaps accossionally you can allow yurself to take a break, not for the MS, for YOU. Allow your body a day or 2 to just be. Sit outside in nature, read a book, meditate, or do whatever makes you feel relaxed, and just allow your body some time. This has nothing to do with the MS, this is good advice for all (advice I have been given time and time again and am starting to actually listen to).
    As for the cycling – do it. šŸ™‚ I Love Love LOVE cycling and can not wait until I am healed enough to be allowed back on the bike.
    Take care.

    • Thanks, Shrinking šŸ™‚ I’m exploring relaxation and what that actually means now. I used to NEVER be able to relax…at all. Now I think I can do it pretty admirably when I make myself do it. Which seems really, really at odds with the definition of “relax”. But I’m going to explore. Meditation? I have lots of CD’s for meditation but I’ve never actually tried one. Maybe it’s time?

  3. Jennifer says:

    I feel like I could have written your past paragraph. It is exactly what I am struggling with right now as I try to decide whether or not to continue trying to lose more weight after the final pound is gone. No matter how much weight I lose, I am still going to have loose skin, yellow teeth, thin cranial hair, fast-growing facial hair, varicose veins, ugly fungal big toe nail on my right foot, dry heels, eyeglasses, etc. etc. etc. I can’t afford to change it all, even if I could.

    Will I ever be happy? Ugh.

    The problems you speak of in your last paragraph, I assume, is mostly the MS. With me, it’s acceptance of the “me” I am as good enough, not needing further change. The weight was the only thing that particularly was damaging to my health. Most everything else is just unsightly.

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