I’m tired of feeling like where I am is not good enough. I’ve struggled with this for quite awhile and to be honest, I’m worn down by it. Once again.
I’m so thankful to be under 200 pounds now. I thought I would be unaffected by the transition to getting under 200, but no, I’m not. I’m having to adapt. It’s bringing up a lot of confusing things that even I can’t put my finger on. Mostly it boils down to the fact that I’m tired of feeling as if I’m striving for perfection. And once again I’m not sure that I want anything “better” than where I am at the moment.
I don’t FEEL that I am striving for perfection, and yet by the very nature of pursuing continued weight loss, I do. I know that makes no sense. Welcome to my mind. It’s not a pretty picture.
When I got to finally come back to my home in Albuquerque in the first week of November, knowing I’d be home for about 3 1/2 months, I knew that I really wanted to buckle down and commit to some hard, hard work to lose some more pounds.
I have. I’ve done that. I started at around 213-215, though yes, that was some water weight gain there, but still, it was hysterically upsetting. Now, I’m at 198. I’ve lost some poundage over the past few months-at least a solid 15 pounds.
Sometimes it seriously troubles me, how much time I spend thinking only of me. What *I* eat, what *I* think, how *I* exercise. The world is so much bigger than what I do or what I think or what I plan. I’m frankly, tired of it.
I cannot think of things to blog about on a daily basis at the moment. When I’m just coming back to weight loss there are a zillion things on my mind and it helps me to write about them unceasingly. When I’m doing better, making good progress, I don’t feel as much of a need to talk about it. I just want to get on with life. I think that’s a very good thing. I think I’d do better, for right now, to update the blog a little less-a few times a week instead of every day.
I want to make a shift. I’ll continue to update my weight loss in the subtitle above, but for awhile, I don’t want to keep talking about my weight. No more weigh-in days. I’m tired of it. It’s pointless because at the moment my weight is a tiny, almost insignificant part of this whole equation. When the focus of my thoughts and my writing is on the pounds, I feel completely pulled out of sync. I’d rather focus on the exercise and good habits.
If I don’t lose another pound, but stay under 200, that’s OK by me. I’d like to lose more, but honestly, I just have to get off this merry-go-round for awhile.
I think what I’ll do is to only post my weight again on March 10, which is when my contract is up with my trainer. She has a goal in mind for me of 192 by March 10-because I mentioned that goal. No way in this whole world am I going to lose 7 pounds by March 10 and it’s been bothering me. A lot. It makes me question what I’m doing and why I’m doing it.
On the one hand, the last 15 pounds I’ve lost has made me sleeker, slimmer, more “average” looking and I FEEL better and that’s worth a lot. I’m so glad I’ve lost that weight.
I just feel that I’m getting locked into a mentality of “15 more pounds would make me BETTER” and I’m not happy with who that says I am. Right or wrong. I know I need to be healthy. I want to be healthy, but I’m growing weary of focusing only on me and on what I want or what I don’t want.
I want to eat well, exercise daily, and see what happens. I don’t think that’s odd. I think that’s life.
And if I stay at 198 for 5 months until I feel like I’m ready to attack the weight loss again, for another 15 pounds, I KNOW that’s OK too.
I don’t care how long it takes to lose the weight. What I don’t like is when the slow progress of weight loss makes feel as if I’m not a good person, not a whole person, not “good enough”. And no, no one has said this, or implied this. It’s an unsaid thing, every morning when I hit the scales. I need a break from the expectation of perfection in my own mind.
It’s a very sad thing to be a size 13 and only 20 pounds heavier than I weighed on my wedding day 30 years ago and yet I feel like I’m not good enough, like I’m not quite there. I think that’s a ridiculous mind-set.
I would sure like to be done with this whole weight loss thing, but I think that for me, it’s going to take some time. I’m OK with that.