I’m back in my right mind today. Sorry for yelling at you, internet. It’s easier to yell into space than it is to deal with actual, living people sometimes.
The thing is, it’s been a Craptastic month with a capital “C”.
I guess that yesterday was my breaking point.
Exactly 4 horrible things have happened in this past month, each of them too big for me to cope with. But somehow, you do cope. I’ve cried a lot and talked a lost of smack.
Son’s illness aside, because you can’t deal with that simply by having a “super cheery attitude,” I’ve realized that the things that have been happening: writing rejections, agent rejections, me rejecting critique group partners, my having a major blow-up with a critique partner and other things too personal to mention because they’ll hurt other people, are all growth things.
The things that are happening around me suck, are wrong or are completely unfair and/or unprofessional and I’m standing up to them. Which is hard. It’s so much easier to eat or to walk away and stuff my feelings down farther.
I’m a middle child. So is my husband. We’re the king and queen of walking through life in a diplomatic way.It’s so hard to tell someone “You’re wrong and that was rude and decidedly unhelpful.” I hate it, to be honest.
It’s been very hard for me to find that a few key people in my life are refusing to allow me to make my own decisions about my health and weight. I get that it could be out of concern but in some cases, the party is perhaps out of “thinking only of themselves and how it will affect them”. Which I won’t explain. Because, I talk too much as it is.
I realize part of my frustration stems from the fact that I’ve always been an independent person, both in business and in my personal life. I’ve owned a business, been a massage therapist for 10+ years with my own practice, (finally let my license in NM and WA state lapse, just this year.) an artist, a writer. All of those things are very ME oriented. I make my own decisions and I live or die by those decisions and truth be told, I usually do very well in whatever area of business I’m living in for that decade. I’m a nice, fun person, truly I am, but apparently, I don’t play well with others when it involves something that is under MY control, involving MY decisions.
But so many things are out of my hands and I forget that. People are allowed to think what they think about me or about my work. It doesn’t have to affect me unless I let it. I forget that. I seem to forget it a lot lately.
The facts are that I’m 90% healthier than I used to be. If I stop losing weight at 192 and I get diabetes because I’m still 20 pounds overweight, even though I work out every single day, over an hour a day, and I eat very well-no fast food, no processed foods, very little bad carb food-then alright.
People keep saying to me that the pounds are only one part of the equation. I’ve heard that over and over lately. But people refuse to listen to those other things I just mentioned. I can say until I’m blue in the face: “But, I work out every single day of my life. I eat incredibly well.” And it doesn’t matter. Because they want to say what they want to say and they want to believe what they want to believe. And it seems I’m just not good enough in their estimation.
Or that’s how I feel. Not being “good enough” is the single thing that strikes me hardest in my psyche. The “need to please” kicks in and I feel almost desperate to make sure everyone is happy with me, with what I’m doing and how I’m doing it.
In retrospect, this month has been a reminder that I’m never, ever going to please everyone. That all I can do is to do my best and I think my best is plenty good enough. The people I know personally who’ve gotten type 2 diabetes have been 50-100-150 pounds overweight, or they’ve LIVED on fast food and junk food and not a single one has exercised more than 5 days out of the year. Those are the facts.
That’s not me.
I’m going to push on, working hard, but I have to find some sort of balance in my head because yesterday, I realized that if I truly DO want to go on to get to 170 or so—if I decided to do that—it would be a good, solid 6 months down the road before I reached it. And I’m tired. I’m not tired of good eating and exercise, I’m tired of the whole constant head trip I’m on every day, from the moment I wake up.And I think it’s because of the pressure I feel to succeed.
But the thing is, I’ve already succeeded. For me, it’s enough to maybe lose another 10 pounds now, 10 next year and 10 the next year–if I chose to do so.
I wish I was one of those people who could just say, leave me alone. My life is not your life. My decisions are not yours. I’ll live with the consequences and the rewards. You live your own life. I know that the fact that so many people have felt so free to interfere in my life and work lately, means something. I guess I’ve let my guard down. Sometimes I forget and have to be reminded who’s in charge and that someone saying something, doesn’t make it so.
Sometimes being an adult is just so hard.
I’m going to keep my eyes open and try and learn from this. I feel it’s a big thing that I haven’t quite worked out. That it’s a wonderful opportunity for me to be like those women I admire, like Georgia O’Keeffe, who couldn’t care less what anyone thinks about them. That’s what I want to dwell on for a few days.
I believe that in the end I will be fit and slender and healthy. I also believe that I know me and my mind and my fears and how *I* work and I should press on with my own plans and give myself the “mental break” I need.
So I’m attempting to work it all out. In the meantime, all I can do is get back to work, write, enjoy my family and my life and lose one more pound and then one more pound.