It’s really quite weird spending so much time thinking about losing weight and dreading/jumping up and down as weigh-in-day looms. Oh, make no mistake about it, it looms baby.
I wore my new jeans today. The ones I mentioned that are slightly stretchy-or something like that. I don’t know fabric terms. Anyway, the point is, my legs are SKINNY. Yes, that’s cool, but they don’t feel like my legs. I took a long walk and I kept eying them like they weren’t mine. It was odd. Quite odd.
And. Bad news. Now that my face isn’t all plump, I realize…I see that…gulp…I’m frickin’ OLD. I knew that whole “51 years” would catch up with me. Sigh. You know those people who’ve lost a lot of weight and you look at them and say, “Oh she looks great, but DANG she looks old now.” Yes. That would be me.
I’m watching my belly fat go down, shrink away…why, I’m almost not humiliated by the amount of padding that’s there above my jeans waistline. And I’ve decided. I don’t want to be smaller than a size 12. Period.
I’m super happy with being “imperfect” if you some see me that way-or maybe it’s more along the lines of: “Couldn’t quite go the whole course could you, Katie?”
All that ever bothers me now is the belly, or as I affectionately call it, the “bloody belly”. Which I realize is not very affectionate-so, I lied.
I’m going to lose 10 more pounds, get down to around 192 and then see what I think. I’m starting to be pretty sure I don’t want to get even down to 175, because why? Why? Can’t think of a reason. The charts say I should be in the 140’s to 150’s. No. Not going to happen. Not.
I’m not freaked out by my size, I’m not overwhelmed. Nothing like that. I’m just realizing, rationally, that I’m getting to the end of this whole crazy, whiz-bang weight loss trip. It’s not productive or healthy to get so crazed about your size that you MUST be a size X or Y or whatever, so that you’re at “your best”. Lame. In my mind, a size 10 is not much smaller than a size 12.
Actually, I’m finding out that this time around, I’m much tighter/firmer than I was 10 years ago when I lost weight. I think it’s because this time, I didn’t LIVE on bagels. I ate well.
I think I’m happy about this. I think I’m going to be able to let go of that mind-set of “If a little bit is good, a lot is better!” That can really get into your head when you’re losing weight.
Because I’m starting to understand the GREAT effects that strength training and exercise in general has on your body, I can see now that pounds might not matter so much after all. I think that after 10 more pounds, I’d like to just transition to a focus on building muscle (not TONS) and maintaining my weight. Then, if I do lose, it’ll be fat I’m losing, and muscle I’m gaining. My clothes might fit nicer, I might go down a size, but it’s not my plan.
See, I started off this post by saying that this is all quite boring. Now you see what I mean. I have a LIFE outside of weight loss. But the weight loss is helping me to live my life, and very happily at that.
I’m really thrilled to maybe, possibly, finally have a plan for the next few months! So the final goal: 10 more pounds down. And that’s it. Then focus more on muscle fitness.